On June 25th 2008 I experienced my first panic attack. It wouldn’t be for another 2.5 years that I knew that’s what it was but in the moment my life changed. The places I’d been going to or situations I’d been in all my life suddenly seemed daunting. I couldn’t go anywhere without feeling sick and there was a constant knot in my stomach. Whenever I was in a new place the first thing I’d do was suss out where the toilet was and place myself as close to an exit as possible. 

While doing an internship with a church in Cardiff, it was recommended that I went to see a doctor so that’s what I did. I explained to the doctor how I’d been feeling and he diagnosed me with anxiety and panic attack disorder. He prescribed me a book to get from the library and as I read it, I felt the book was describing me. Things from there actually got worse and the number of panic attacks I had increased. I didn’t understand why but I carried on reading the book and living as I had been. 

During the internship I helped with the kids club and as it was the start of a new term we had a new teaching theme. Talks in this club were done through drama and on this particular occasion I was to make my acting debut – I hate acting and this was causing me a great deal of stress.  Just before the talk however, we went through the memory verse for the teaching theme; ‘Do not be afraid for I am with you, do not be scared for I am your God.’ Isaiah 41:10. As I saw the words laid out before me, I knew God was speaking to me into that situation and I immediately felt peace. This was the first time I saw God working in the anxiety and from this moment I started seeking God whenever I felt anxious. The panic attacks continued and the anxiety was still great within me but I continued to seek Jesus to help me through my anxious life. 

When the internship year came to an end, I came to Aberystwyth to study. I struggled immensely but struggled through until the November of my second year. Public transport was not my friend and whenever I travelled back to Cardiff, my home, I’d have a panic attack on the bus and would be throwing up the entire journey – needless to say it was not a pleasant experience. That November I experienced the worst of my travelling journeys and I decided enough was enough. I made the decision to transfer my course to Cardiff Metropolitan University where I could be closer to my family and to Sam, who I was engaged to at the time. 

Over the course of the next year, I had Christian counselling and CBT. The anxiety continued but with each moment I felt the anxiety, I prayed to Jesus to help me. I would recite Isaiah 41:10 and the panic attacks were kept at bay. As time went on, I found the anxiety decreased and I was able to do the more normal things of life without feeling an abnormal amount of anxiety. Things I couldn’t do before without a tremendous amount of anxiety, I now do without thinking.

The morning I started to write down this testimony, I was struck by this quote that was in my devotional for that day:

‘We are not abandoned by God in our anxious moments’ – Taylor Joy Murray

Looking back, I can see that I was not abandoned by God in my anxious moments and Jesus carried me through. Moments I thought I could not go through with, he gave me the strength to get through it. And I’m extremely thankful to Jesus that I can say it has been 10 years since I had my last panic attack. 

A few years back, I wrote a couple of posts regarding the anxiety I felt and my faith in Jesus; if you fancy giving them a read, you can find them here:

More Than Conquerors

Living Free and Fearless