“I want to go on an aeroplane again!” I said.
“You want to go on an aeroplane!? You’ve been in the sea. You sat in a seat in which you couldn’t get out. What has happened to you?” she replied.
“That’s what living without anxiety looks like” I beamed.

Rewind 9 years to 25^th June 2008. I was at my year 11 prom having just sat my GCSEs. There we were. My friends and I sat a table in our pretty dresses. First came our starters. Then came our mains. A few carrots later, my friend stated she needed the loo and stood up. “I’ll come with you,” I said. Not because girls need to go to the loo in pairs but because my tummy started doing funny things. I closed the cubicle door behind me, kneeled on the floor and (sorry for the following statement but) I puked. I didn’t know why I threw up but I did and the loo floor was where I stayed for the next hour or so, not wanting to return to the room where prom was happening. When I finally felt like I could move, I returned to the room only to sit on the floor right by the door in case I need to escape.

From that moment my life changed. Wherever I went after that night I felt nervous, so nervous to the point I felt sick. I’d become shivery hot, lost all appetite (which made eating out interesting), my bowels would feel weak (too much information?), I’d tie my hair up to get it off my neck to cool me down, I’d wear flip flips ALL the time to keep me cool, sit on the ends of rows and went to the loo every 5 seconds (or at least it felt like it). It was not a pleasant experience to say the least. This was how I felt wherever I went. And these places soon became less and less as I would avoid going places. On the occasions where it was really bad, I’d end up in the loo throwing up. It wasn’t until 3 years later when I told some close friends what I’d been experiencing and they advised going to the doctor that I actually found out what was going on. The doctor explained I was having panic attacks. Panic attacks. He prescribed me a book to read (who knew you could have book prescriptions?!) and page after page I felt like the book was describing me, how I felt. It was horrible. The panic attacks and the anxiety did not subside, in fact they actually got worse!

They got worse but that was until one Wednesday afternoon in 2011 (a few months after reading the book). I was sat in the kid’s club that I helped out at, at the time. I was about to embark on my first drama experience. This is how the kid’s are taught bible stories in this club and anyone who knows me will know I can’t and do not act. Just before the drama, we taught the kids the memory verse for the term. Never before has a verse in the bible been so apt and spoken so deeply to my soul. I was sat there all anxious and feeling shivery hot and terrified. Then came these words written on balloons: ‘Do not be worry, for I am with you. Do not be scared for I am your God’. WOW! I was amazed and so thankful to God for speaking those words to me and this soon became the verse I would recite whenever I felt anxious and panicky. From this moment my anxiety lessened. I still felt way too anxious but started doing stuff again. I still had panic attacks but I still did stuff.

I went to university in Aberystwyth (for a year and a half anyway) and didn’t experience any panic attacks until February of my first year. Public transport in that part of Wales is absolutely hopeless and so I had to endure a painstaking 4 hours on a bus, throwing up (don’t worry I had plenty of sick bags!). Needless to say I didn’t visit home very often. Autumn 2012 was the worst for this public transport-panic attack malarkey. The last journey I did was unforgettable. It took me two days to even get on the bus in Aberystwyth to go home. My plan was to get the bus to Carmarthen and then get the train from there to Cardiff. Fine. I had panic attacks all the way from Aberystwyth to Carmarthen. Once on the train I was fine. There was no way I was getting the bus back to Aber though, so I decided to get the super expensive, ridiculously long train journey back. I was completely ok with this until the train stopped somewhere for ages before getting into Shrewsbury where I need to get a connecting train to complete my journey. Due to the train delay, I missed the connecting train. The train company provided taxis for passengers to get to Aber but there was no way I was getting in a taxi. So I waited 2 hours for the next train. I sat in the station café and sobbed. I mean full on ugly crying, blotchy red face sobbing! That was it. I wasn’t staying in Aber anymore. Along with a load of other things making my uni experience more than difficult, I could not do the travelling. So I left.

Once back in Cardiff, I received some counselling and started to feel a whole lot better. A few months after this, was my wedding day. With sick bags placed everywhere and a whole lotta prayer I enjoyed the day panic attack free – Praise the Lord! The months that followed were difficult anxiety wise and I felt anxious and on edge all the time. I then received cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and with that, an awesome bible study I was doing, and doing a 100 day photo challenge that focused on the positives in daily life I was feeling awesome! My mind-set changed, I did way more than I had in the previous years and step-by-step I overcame fears.

In the last three years, I have attended my own graduation ceremony, my Gran’s funeral, been on an aeroplane and abroad for the first time ever all without having a panic attack. Never mind all the small day-to-day stuff I couldn’t do before but can do now without a problem. I have felt anxious with each of these occasions but with each one, the anxiety has been less and I would even go as far to say that the funny feelings I get in my tummy are but normal nerves that people without an anxiety disorder would have. I am no longer an anxious person. I am now living life without anxiety. I am enjoying doing things that I used to love doing. I feel like I have my life back. My bubbly personality and my love for being around people are just a few things.

Now I can’t end this post without giving complete glory to the One who has strengthened me, given me courage, and revealed more of his character to me. The One who helped me, who journeyed with me. My Heavenly Father. My Lord. My Saviour. Without God, I would never have come out the other side. Without God, I would not have had strength to push through the anxiety and do stuff regardless.

Because of Jesus, I can now live a life free and fearless.

Ps. My last panic attack was November 26^th 2012. That’s 5 years this coming November!